Parking Instructions for Aliens
This was my submission to a writing contest. I did not win.
I am about to share a piece of writing that is 100% not in my typical style, genre, or even usual interest. This past winter, I saw an ad for a writing contest that looked silly and fun and totally unlike my writing voice. The prompt was essentially this: aliens are on the way to the Earth, and they have requested something in writing from humans. That piece of writing could be anything. Anything at all. As a technical writer by day, my first thought was to write a user manual on how to enter Earth’s atmosphere. I shared this idea with close friends, and we all laughed. But then they encouraged me to actually submit something…so I did.
I did not, however, win. I didn’t even place in the top ten, and that is totally fair. I’m just glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did something a little zanier than usual.
Anyway. Here it is: Parking Instructions for Aliens
Welcome to Earth.
We understand that you will be arriving soon, and you will need to park your spacecraft in a safe and convenient location. To ensure a smooth visitation experience, we kindly request that you review the following guidelines before landing to avoid unnecessary confusion or fines.
Please avoid landing in highly visible government research zones, such as Area 51 Lifestyle Gated Neighborhood, née Area 51. While the secrecy surrounding this location may make it seem like an obvious destination for alien visitation, we regret to inform you that decades of gentrification from the conspiracy community have led to Area 51 being labeled “cringe”, which may negatively impact your Visitor Experience Social Credit Score upon arrival.
Other areas to avoid landing include the following:
The White House lawn*
National Monuments
Sports stadiums
Costco parking lots
HOA neighborhoods
*Note that you may park on the White House lawn during the President’s Day Cyber Truck Sales-A-Thon™ Event. However, you will need to secure proper permits through Space Force. Exclusions apply.
Parking Fees & Subscription Tiers
We have introduced a convenient suite of parking subscription packages to fit any budget. You can pre-pay through the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) online payment portal using a one-time ACH payment. The fee for this service is $5.
Earth Basic Parking is located in rural areas surrounding major cities. The first 30 minutes are free; after that, there is a $15/hour charge. The Earth Basic Parking subscription is a one-time flat fee of $250 and includes a free car wash at Dippity Do Car Wash in Rachel, Nevada.
Earth + Premium Orbit subscribers may access priority landing lanes within certain city limits. Contact your administrator for an updated list of pre-approved city centers. Orbital parking is permitted; however, transport beams to and from the Earth’s surface are only permitted during EST business hours. The Earth + Premium Orbit subscription is $1,200 annual, billed monthly.
Galaxy Preferred Visitor Program is a lifetime subscription tier for our most discerning alien guests and includes the following perks:
Earth Basic and Earth + Premium Orbit parking
Cut In Line Park Pass to participating Disney properties
Free continental breakfast
Assorted sponsor merch leftovers
Take Me to Your Leader Tour and Luncheon Pass
We regret to inform you that, due to budgetary cutbacks, this option with free parking is no longer available. Instead, we recommend that you choose a TikTok influencer who will record and post a vibe check tour of your spacecraft. If your preferred influencer is unavailable, you may choose to contact the White House for a temporary Cabinet Seat Pass; however, you will need to show proof of sponsorship by a podcast bro or a creatine company. You will need to secure a subscription tier before signing up for the influencer or Cabinet Seat Pass programs.
We take Climate Change™ seriously on Earth. Therefore, please be aware that all subscription tiers include the following fees:
$15 Orbital space debris geolocation tagging fee
$15 Gravitational docking bouncer surcharge
$30 Interplanetary congestion and chill charge
$40 Carbon offset charge
Parking Violations
Failure to comply with Earth parking regulations may result in fines, citations, towing, or booting. Repeated violations may result in you and your spacecraft being featured in Ancient Aliens or an exclusive interview with Cunk on Earth.
Minor Violations incur a fine of $250 and include the following violation types:
Landing across two designated parking spots
Intimidation hovering over a good spot
Landing within 15 feet of a fire hydrant
Failure to display your subscription tier
Major Violations incur a fine of $500 and include the following violation types:
Blocking access to a Dunkin’ drive-through
Abducting livestock in a No Abduction Zone
Interfering with weather radar or satellite signals, especially during the NHL playoffs
Unauthorized crop circles*
Causing mass panic at a county fair
Appearing on multiple local news broadcasts before properly registering your spacecraft and validating your subscription tier.
**Please contact your administrator to learn more about the exciting opportunity to register your spaceship in the Crop Circle Creatives program, which includes exclusive perks such as terrorizing farmers and potential internet fame.
Please remember to validate your parking session before leaving orbit. Failure to do so may result in additional fees and penalties. We look forward to your visit.
Disclaimer: By landing on Earth, you agree to our Terms and Conditions. Offer void where prohibited. Earth is not responsible for lost or stolen civilizations.